Rumor has it I joined a cult

It was the spring of 2021, and the rumors making their way around Prague and my hometown in Minnesota were... intense. Apparently, I had fallen off the deep end, joined a cult, and was getting fingered in the forest by a shaman. Oh, and I was also teaching yoga. How dare I?

Ouch. The idea of people thinking ill of me was one of my deepest fears. As a lifelong people-pleaser, I had always craved acceptance, prided myself on being liked. But thankfully, I have changed. Hence, me airing my "dirty laundry" on the internet or lack thereof. 

During the past year, I had turned inward. I saw COVID as an invitation to reconnect with myself. I learned macramé, sewed, grew plants, painted, experimented in the kitchen—rediscovering creativity I had long suppressed. But I was living side by side with someone doing the opposite: desperately searching for escape. The contrast was stark, and it made me realize I was ready for something new.

That’s when I met Petr, a healer in the Czech Republic. A friend had recommended him, and we set up a call. I remember sitting cross-legged on the floor of my sunny apartment as he told me his story—his own healing journey, his vision to help others, and his belief that those he healed would go on to do the same. His English wasn’t perfect, but I understood. Something in his words resonated deeply. After two hours, I agreed to meet him and try his holistic intuitive therapy. I had always considered myself open-minded. I ended the call with a strange mix of anticipation and knowing—change was coming.

Meanwhile, my flatmate was in full escape mode. She spontaneously booked a flight to Mexico without telling her boss, while I entered a tiny studio apartment outside of Prague to explore shamanic healing.

The first session started simply: we talked. He guided me into a deep meditation, so deep I couldn’t move my arms or legs. And then, the part that terrified me, nudity. In America, this is taboo. Stripping down felt vulnerable, and my mind screamed that it was "wrong." But my body knew it was natural. Then came the emotions. At first, just discomfort. Then fear. Then full-body sobs, screams, releasing things I didn’t even know I had held inside. Through touch, Petr helped evoke emotions buried so deeply they felt ancient. When he gently pressed my jaw, a searing pain shot through me, like a spear piercing to the bone. It was unfathomable. My mind scrambled for a memory to attach it to but found nothing. It wasn’t from this life. Much of the pain I felt wasn’t even mine. Ancestral. Past life. It had been living in my body, waiting to be released.

After eight intense hours, I was exhausted but lighter. As we stood outside waiting for my Uber, I admitted my fear about my roommate returning. Petr smiled. “Don’t worry,” he said. “You’ll be a completely different person when she comes back.”

In the days that followed, emotions flooded in. I cried, I felt, I was released. My body softened, my sensitivity heightened, and my current life became... uncomfortable. When I imagined my flatmate returning, I felt suffocated. I realized how much of my energy had been spent trying to make  her happy—how much I had abandoned myself in the process. I had been distracting myself from the truth: I wasn’t happy.

Then, the moment of reckoning. I was at a friend’s house when they casually asked, “What do you think about your flatmate  being fired?”

My heart dropped. “What are you talking about?”

They explained that she had been fired for disappearing to Mexico. And she hadn’t told me. A wave of betrayal hit. And then, something deeper—fear. She had always talked about leaving Prague, about moving to Berlin or back to the States. I had convinced myself that my life in Prague didn’t exist without her.

That night, I scrolled Facebook Marketplace and found an apartment. The pictures were confusing, but something in my gut said, "This is it." It was the same price as what I was paying, but I’d be alone. The next day, I went to see it. My body screamed yes. My mind resisted. I felt guilty for wanting to leave. I feared her reaction more than I trusted my own need for freedom. What was wrong with me? Why did I care so much? I was sick with anxiety, trapped in a toxic cycle of people-pleasing. It wasn’t until later that I realized: we had a codependent relationship. I had been deriving my worth from making her happy. After a week of internal war, I made the decision: the apartment was mine,  relief flooded me.

My girlfriends and Filip, a dear friend, and my now partner helped me move. When we finally sat down in my new place, I collapsed into sobs—gut-wrenching, primal cries. I had never felt emotions so intensely before. But I felt safe with him. Safe to express. Safe to be.

That apartment became my sanctuary. I decorated it, made it my palace, reveled in my solitude.

That summer was one of the best of my life. I went to Portugal, spent time in the mountains of Monchique studying Tantra yoga, and spent the month with a group of 9 incredible souls from around the world. We connected deeply as we dove deeper into yoga and the philosophy of Tantra. We shared our experiences and I felt safe to be myself for the first time in a while. It was so refreshing to discover who I was without the voice of who people expected me to be. Back in Prague my friends knew me to be a certain way, especially my flatmate since we had been friends for over twenty years. It is challenging to change when people expect you to be who you've always been. I was full of excitement to explore my more spiritual side without feeling like an imposter. 

In Portugal I also did a WorkAway at a surf house in Aljezur, a  beautiful little surfing town along the coast of the Algarve. I faced my fears. I learned to surf and spent the summer with two amazing women, Nati and Elena who were on their own healing journeys as well. We spent slow days in the garden discussing books, our trauma and relationships. We went on adventures to secret beaches, sound healings and double dates. I I felt free in a way I never had before. My energy shifted, and suddenly, life just... flowed. My relationships with men transformed. I started attracting kind-hearted, emotionally available men—a combination I wasn’t sure existed before that summer. I had incredible dates on cliffs, the beach, under the stars. But that’s a story for another blog. 😉

Petr was right. I was a completely different person when she returned.

I faced my emotions. I chose myself. I let go of the need to please.

And as for the rumors? Well... I still work with that shaman. I hate to spoil it for you, but there’s no cult. I was never fingered in the forest (yet!). But I do teach yoga now. I do host retreats. And maybe I did fall off the deep end... but it was into my own emotions. And I came out lighter, brighter, and full of self-love.

Without Petr and his healing community, I don’t know where I’d be. And honestly? I’d prefer never to find out. In two days, I’m heading back to Portugal, for the third time, this time to the land of my friend Mariana’s, portugal has become another place I feel at home. I am so grateful for my journey and for that brave girl who made the tough choice to put herself first. She would be mortified that I’m sharing this publicly now, but this version of me? I’m proud. I’ve come so far, and I can laugh at my mistakes, choosing to see them as the lessons they were — lessons I needed to learn in order to move forward.

As I step into this next chapter, I’m not just carrying the wisdom of the past; I’m embracing the unknown with open arms, ready for what’s ahead. Because I know now, with absolute certainty, that every step I’ve taken has brought me closer to the woman I’m becoming — and I wouldn’t trade that for anything.