A container for my flame

This morning's mediation resulted in tears and broken glass. I found myself  pondering what it truly means to be held, to have a container powerful enough to hold the fire that burns within me. To feel safe to expand. 

I sank into meditation lying on the couch with the sound of a burning flame next to me. I chose a recording from Portugal last month. I hadn’t listened to it yet, when I am feeling called I record meditations, I speak what  comes to me in the moment with no plan or intention. I feel into the energy of the day, place, and my own. I really enjoy it and it guides me into a state unlike any other, for me it is really a powerful meditation practice. Prior to my meditation in my Introspective Breathwork session, I connected with my body and noticed I haven’t been listening to what my body wants, I’ve been in my mind a lot lately. Trying to figure out the future. Planning and worrying about where we will live and what it will look like. I have fallen victim to my own fear that lives in me and is triggered by the fear that surrounds me. 

I had forgotten how powerful my breath is and the connection it brings me when I silence everything else. As I breathed,  I moved from my head down to my stomach.  I noticed that it feels blocked, that I have been neglecting to listen to what it needs and desires. I  have been more guided by my tongue. Leaving me feeling heavy and disconnected. It’s almost as if I was doing it to block myself to keep myself down. I know what my body needs, I know I feel better when I listen to it but some part of me wants to numb. To stay small, to hide from my potential. 

 I laid and listened to my own voice, under the warmth of my golden blanket.  It  was soothing, full of wisdom, patience, and understanding. I spoke about getting stuck in the mind and forgetting to listen to the body. I detailed how the body is speaking to us and if we listen we will flow with life, as I listened my stomach grumbled confirming this communication. I spoke about the energy of the day, the sun burned with an orange glow and creative energy which reminded me of the fire that burns within. As I listened to myself speak of the dormant creativity inside of us and the worlds need for our creative power, I broke open and wept. For I know those words to be true. I have fear of my own potential.  I cried  so loud it woke my partner,  he came running into the room, the flame in the  candle next to me grew so large and hot that the glass cracked. It could not hold the energy within it. The power was too big, and the container too small.  In many ways that’s how I feel. But maybe I don’t have to hold it on my own, I have Filip to hold my feminine power, so that I can surrender into it. To dance with the flames that live within.   He is my container and in his embrace I can burn safely. 

Lately I have been thinking a lot about the container that I live in, the home.  I am desiring something different, more spacious and more mine. For me I feel small, in the center of the city, it's as if my flame can't burn here. Is it the home or the environment that I have created within myself that needs to change? Is it really about the material, or is it more about my container, my body. The exterior a reflection of what is within, in that case If I change my emotional body—-my inner world,  the outside will change as well. My flame will burn brighter, stronger,  and the new container will come. If I tend my inner fire, the new home will come, not the other way around. I think I would feel better in a new space but really I need to feel better and then the new space will come. In order to “feel better " I must face the unpleasant feelings that are inside of me. To release them and let them go.

In the end the answer always lies in the body, for it is not about the material, it is but a reflection of our internal state. To sum it up, if you desire a better container, grow your flame by tending to yourself, your unpleasant feelings—-- that which the mind cannot fix. 

I will change my focus from the external to the internal, delicately I will tend my flame, without fearing to break the glass that currently contains me, to allow my light to spread, Each day I am less afraid to shine. 

Have you been tending your flame? Below is the meditation described above, I invite you to come back to yourself, find 12 minutes for you, just be careful with your candles.