Choosing myself instead of chasing MORE

Early August in Moravia, I found myself sitting on the cleansing bench during the Jurema Ceremony surrounded by naked people crying, screaming and puking in buckets. I explained to a friend that I felt I was living multiple lives because of the amount of things I have going on. He looked at me simply and asked “ can you choose one?” I couldn't answer his question, it truly didn't feel like I had a choice because I want everything. However, I am beginning to understand that in the pursuit of everything we end up with nothing.

Over the last months I've been stretching myself pretty thin. Living life in Prague and chasing a dream in Portugal. At a certain point I felt like I was ruining my life in Prague by starting a new one in Portugal.  I started to notice that this is a pattern that I have, I like to chase MORE. It's never enough. I am desiring one more trip, a bigger adventure, a new project, a challenge, more work.  In a way I love this part of me because it has brought me so much experience, knowledge and connection with others. I live my life mostly outside of my comfort zone and I push my limits intentionally and regularly. These past six months have me really questioning if I can be happy with what I have, here and now. Creating the life I have has not been easy and I deserve to take a step back and truly enjoy everything I have created before I launch myself on another mission. I started to notice that when people ask what I do, I enjoy listing off a long list of things that I do. The more the better. But what am I trying to prove? That I'm not lazy or complacent? What would be wrong if I was just content with who I am. What if that is already enough? What if I don't need those things outside of myself?

 I have already escaped America and many of these patterns of needing to do and have to receive love. I said no to a life of corporate jobs, big houses, and nice cars, I’d thought I'd escaped this endless pursuit of happiness through the external and material.  If I get really honest with myself, it still lives in me. This needs to “do” or “have”  in order to be loved or love myself and my life. At the  root of this pursuit is fear. That I'm not good enough or worthy. That I won't survive without “   “.  At a certain point the desire to build a home in Portugal from natural materials became a necessity for survival in my mind, that I didn't have a chance here for a home, that the prices are too high and it would be impossible so it would need to work. This energy of fear and force is exactly what I am trying to avoid in my life but it reared its ugly head into this project. I understand that the project will never work if the roots, the foundation are built on fear and lack. It needs to come from love and abundance if it is going to succeed.  I need to feel whole in myself before I seek to create something outside of myself especially because I have the intention of helping others.  I can't be happy only when I create something. I must create the thing from a place of joy and fullness, a place of unattachment to the outcome, essentially an extra bonus of an already beautiful and full life. This leaves me with some things to explore, where is this fear and lack living in me. I no longer desire to carry this with me. It is getting heavy and holding me back from truly embracing my life. I'm ready to let it go, to look it in the face and choose love. 

I took the first step of this while I was in Portugal, I chose to stay and focus on myself rather than go to a pitch for investors. I felt in my body it wasn't my thing to chase. I told myself on this journey that I would always listen to what feels right rather than my logical mind. The day before I left for Seville, to later drive to Portugal, we had a practice pitch online and when I entered the meeting I felt in my body that I didn't want to be there, something felt off, it wasn't nerves it was coming from my gut. And then there were problems with the technology and a new video link was sent out and I didn't receive it, I was not able to be in the meeting. I felt sad to be left out but also kind of relieved.  Once I got to Portugal it was intense and busy and I felt myself being drained of energy. Simultaneously,  I  felt the need for Bruno and Mariana to be alone and spend time together and complete what had become more their project than Mariana, and I’s.  So I decided to stay back while they headed to Lisbon for a whirlwind trip recording voice over for the Swim party 10K event and Pitch to the investors for the Boutique showcase all in a matter of 32 hours.  I did my part of the project and I supported them in the ways that I could. I gave myself two days on the land hanging out with the curious kitten Carmen,  driving around the Monchique where I did my yoga teacher training 4 years ago, reflecting on how far I've come. I spent sunsets on the beach, I studied Tarot and just enjoyed my own company. I picked herbs from the land and made fresh teas. I looked at the moon as I showered outside. While Mariana was giving her pitch, I was supporting Vanessa (a friend from the area)  in a prenatal class  connecting our beautiful feminine energy and tapping into what truly matters. We were sending healing energy to Mariana as she pitched. I was able to do my role and serve women and the beautiful work that we aim to do. In that moment I felt so in my power and exactly where I was meant to be. 

I did what felt right in my body, not what my mind was telling me. This was a hard choice to make and for some it may sound like I gave up,  what I really did was choose myself, I improved my relationship with Mariana and I got really clear on what my priorities are. First my self love, relationships, current life situations and then I can start focusing on the future goals but I can't “need” those things to be fulfilled. What I aim to be is fully present in this life, the one that I am currently living here in Prague. The dream of building a home in  Portugal,  living as a part of an eco community focused on regenerative tourism, healing and connecting with the land is still with me, I can feel myself waking up with the sun, surfing and hiking the coast in the mornings, growing a beautiful garden, supping fresh teas, drying herbs, crafting my own medicine & beauty products, connecting with people around the fire, sharing stories and leading retreats, workshops, and co-creating events with Mariana.  It’s somewhere in the future but for right now there is a beautiful life waiting for me to take full advantage of it right here in Prague. I choose this life and I choose me, I choose doing what feels right in my body, trusting my path and that means diving deeper in connection with the healing community that I have here. It's time for me to fully show up here and see what magic I can create when I dive fully in. 

Are there areas in your life where you are doing too much? Where are you chasing instead of enjoying what you have in the moment? This is a vicious cycle that leaves us feeling forever incomplete. It is often disguised as drive, motivation and hard work —-but what does it say about our self love, compassion and ability to be present ?  Can you accept that you are already enough? I'm curious if this resonated with you, if you have been faced with similar challenges and how it's going for you. Reach out or comment, we can support each other on this journey of self love.

While on my recent trip to Lisbon I came across this poem by Fernando Pessoa, which beautifully captures the desire to be content.