I met my younger self for coffee

It's Sunday morning. My younger self, just 17, shows up late, dressed in a revealing outfit, with a face full of makeup and extensions in her hair. It must have taken her hours to get ready. I wonder what she thinks of my bare face, natural hair, and comfortable, flowy clothes.

She orders a caramel macchiato with an extra shot of espresso. "It was a late night of partying," she explains, "and my sleeping pills didn’t work so well." I order herbal tea and smile. Caffeine makes my heart race, and just looking at her, I can feel her anxiety. I see the pain and exhaustion in her eyes, she is escaping, numbing. The makeup doesn’t hide her sadness. She pretends to exude confidence, but I can feel her discomfort in herself. I want to reach out and hug her, but she’s not a hugger. In fact, she doesn’t like to be touched.

She changes the subject. “What did you do last night?”

I tell her I spent my Saturday planning my calendar for March, preparing for Portugal, buying groceries, and working on creative projects and homework.

"What?" she exclaims. "It’s the weekend! What did everybody else do?"

I explain that there is no "everybody else." My friends are all over the world, each in different phases of life, some with families, others adventuring, starting businesses, or partying. I no longer have a fear of missing out and often choose to be alone to reflect and process my emotions.

“What emotions?” she scoffs. “I only cry when dogs die in movies, and scary movies make me laugh.”

I smile, knowing she doesn’t yet understand. "One day, you’ll realize you have very big emotions inside. You just haven't uncovered them yet. I did, through my work with a shaman in the Czech Republic."

"Wtf is a Shaman and where is the Czech Republic?"she ask with a smile.

I explain what a shaman is, a healer, someone who has existed since the beginning of time, the medicine men and women of the tribe. They are "the ones who know." I tell her about the Czech Republic, a country in Central Europe with a history as deep as the wounds of its people. It’s where I found my center. It is your future home.

“How long have you lived there?” she asks.

"Eight years."

“Why?”

"It was an intuitive decision."

“What does that mean?”

"It was a choice based on feeling. I felt called to come to the Czech Republic, so I asked Katrina to come with me."

“Katrina’s here? What is she doing?”

I explain that we haven't really talked in years. Her face twists in surprise.

“Why don’t you talk?”

I tell her we lived together for many years, but eventually, I needed to be alone. When I moved out, it hurt her deeply. She refused to talk to me, and things got pretty ugly.

“Is she mad at you?”

"Yes."

"Does that make you feel bad?"

"Not anymore. It was a difficult lesson, but I learned that I don’t need to please everyone. I can’t spend all my energy trying to make others happy. It took me a while to realize that I am allowed to do what’s best for me. In fact, I need to. And in the end, it’s what’s best for those around me too. When I take care of myself, I am the best version of me. Don’t worry—it’s all part of your journey, and one day, it will be clearer."

She looks at me, digesting my words.

“If you’re not living with Katrina, who do you live with?”

"I live with Filip, my partner, my best friend, the person I feel most at home with. I love him."

“I kinda thought I’d be single forever.”

"Me too," I laugh. "But in a plant medicine ceremony, a block in my heart was released. After many years of friendship, I finally told Filip I loved him. We've been together for years now. We live in a beautiful apartment in the center of Prague, with his mom, Jana."

"You live with your boyfriend’s mom? Why?"

"It’s what we need as a family. She lost her boyfriend and mother in the past year, and we are here to support her. It’s also a great time for us to work on our future and heal. Filip is rebuilding his relationship with his mom, and I’m happy to be part of that. Family is important. I lived alone for three years, and that was an essential time for me to grow. Now, I’m happy to be surrounded by love."

She stirs her coffee, deep in thought.

"Your life sounds really different from what I imagined."

"Really? What did you imagine?"

"A life in New York, working in the fashion industry, with a beautiful apartment and fancy things."

I laugh. "Oh, yes. I remember that dream."

“That’s not what happened?”

"Not exactly. That dream began to fade when I moved to Italy."

“Italy?" she asks, wide-eyed.

"Yes, you’ll study there and fall in love with the European lifestyle, the art, the culture, the food, the people. You’ll love the slower pace of life. Actually, you’ll love it so much that you won’t want to leave. You’ll spend a summer in Sicily as an au pair and gain an entire Sicilian family. Caterina will become your Sicilian sister. Sicily will change you. You’ll go back again the next summer, and again after moving to Prague. It will shape your life in ways you can't yet imagine."

“Are you still connected to them?”

"Yes. In fact, I might even get married there. The next trip is planned for June, the whole family is going, and it will be Filip’s first time."

She shakes her head in disbelief. "Wow, it sounds like a lot of adventure."

"You have no idea," I say, smiling. "I won’t spoil it for you. Just know that you have an exciting, rewarding future ahead. There will be dark times, but that’s when the most growth happens. Remember, when you’re down in the dirt, that’s when you grow your roots. You will always rise, lighter and brighter."

She looks at me with curiosity, maybe even admiration.

"My biggest advice for you is to follow your heart. It’s easy to remember, your name, Bonacorda, means ‘good heart.’ It’s true, you have a good heart. Don’t be afraid to share your love with the world. Don’t hold back, Anna. I love you."

She doesn't say it back, not yet. But I know one day, she will.